УНКОМПРОМИЗИНГ ВАР ОН ЖОННЙС УНДЕР ЗЕ ДИКТАТОРШИП ОВ ЗЕ ЖУКЕБОКС

Uncompromising war on Johnny's under the dictatorship of the jukebox.

A few weeks ago I was at Johnny's, a crappy local bar (but still in the top three citywide, which is why we go), with my friend Stern, visiting from NYC. Like many bars these days, Johnny's is equipped with a state-of-the-art Touch Tunes jukebox, the kind that allows you to spend extra credits to download any one of thousands of songs stored remotely in some database somewhere. If it weren't for the weak selection, it would be a truly revolutionary idea, but not quite up there with the conventional jukebox stocked with classics and set to free play.

Because we planned on being there for a while, and it seemed like we had an in on the music rotation (we showed up kind of early and the bar was pretty dead), we dropped an entire five dollar bill on the thing. After it played two or three of our songs, it became apparent that someone had elected to have the entire balance of our song list skipped. Because we only witnessed one person plugging the jukebox between the time we did and the time our selections came up, and it was highly unlikely that that guy would have spent the extra credit on "play my song next!" on five consecutive songs, we could only draw the conclusion that our music was not amenable to one of the guys behind the bar.

Therefore, despite the technological wonder before us, no Slayer. No Anthrax. No Descendents. No NOFX (Stern digs the old-school pop-punk). Immediately we hatched a plot for our revenge:

We must devise a playlist that, while not immediately offensive to any of the bartenders, and composed entirely of unquestioned popular hits, would so enervate and subconsciously irritate the patrons that it cuts into the bartenders' tips, either by sending people home or cutting down on their drinking. A fight would be a bonus. Unfortunately, that was almost as far as we got.

Our two requirements, therefore, are that our selections must be total party-wreckers, and that they be superficially either good or popular enough that no bartender would think to terminate them. A song need not, and probably should not, be totally awful to appear on our list.

The one thing that we know is that the capstone of our effort must be Wham!'s "Careless Whispers". "Careless Whispers" is ideal because, while it is a former Top 10 hit that is sure to get some of the more nostalgic patrons tapping their toes and singing along, it is simultaneously so saccharine and so maudlin, what with its lyric and its terrible, lugubrious saxophone wank, truly the apotheosis of the 80s Smooth Sax Solo, that people will be subconsciously pushed in the direction of sullen introversion. They will dwell on their regrets. They will remember how they never suspected that George Michael was gay, and how betrayed they felt when they found out that "I Want Your Sex", which they made out to with such alacrity back in junior high, is about a dude, Linda Evangelista notwithstanding.

After that, though, we're stumped. I know that one of the songs has to be by Guns N Roses. Guns N Roses are ideal for our purposes, because they are so "rockin'" and well-liked in the popular consciousness that nobody will admit that one of their songs is actually bad. "Bad," incidentally, is not a criterion for our list. Just "enervating". I think that "November Rain" might be a good choice, because despite its surface bluster (rock guitars, blazing solo, etcetera) it is actually kind of a downer. The lyric is, as required, maudlin and depressing, but not in the manner of a country song; the song itself is extremely long; the rock "payoff" of the solo is relatively short compared to the rest of the song; and it is generally very dynamically stable, with a lot of buildup that really goes absolutely nowhere. In short, "November Rain" is the hair-metal equivalent of an hour of mutually unsatisfying dry humping. There is also a case to be made for "Patience".

Therefore, I am throwing open the door for suggestions. Under the established conditions (principally, that it be available on a Touch Tune jukebox, which in practice would mean virtually any in-print major label hit, current or catalogue) we want any song that will totally wreck the vibe at a hoppin' bar without anybody realizing what's happening. Like I said, the songs don't have to be bad. They can be songs that totally kick ass for sitting around and listening to, or making out to, or driving to, or anything else. They just have to be bad for having on in a bar.

I await your responses, and I thank you in advance for your advice.