How to be a small furry thing from Alpha Centauri

It may be dumb but it's not this dumb. And it's way more sensical.

* Be small, furry, and from Alpha Centauri. If you find yourself in excess of one yard in height you may find it beneficial to have some proportion of your biomass converted to hair. If you find that you are not Alpha Centaurian, you should immigrate immediately. Fortunately for you the Centaurian immigration policy is astonishingly lenient as long as no member of your family has been in within 5*10^10 AU of Tauris Beta through Tau in the past 44 million years.

* Be a thing. Unless you are one of the sentient verbs of the Buckminster system, you probably already have this licked. Hyperintelligent shades of the colour blue at least have strong grounds for an appeal, should they somehow also manage the "small, furry" criteria.

* Do not overindulge in Gin and Tonics. Nobody likes spontaneous tesseracts.

* Groom yourself regularly. God created small furry things from Alpha Centauri, not small matted things from Alpha Centauri.

* Astonishingly, what we call "humour" here on good old Alpha Centauri generally corresponds elsewhere to a mode of discourse called "true grim necro Black Metal". Therefore if you seek to impress at parties it is advisable to stick to "mathematics".

* Likewise, most sentients do not regard serial murder as a magic trick.

* Remember that small furry things from Alpha Centauri are from the eighth planet of the Sol system (metaphorically speaking) and that psychic mice from Algol are from a peninsula on the third renowned for its beaches and fascism.

* The psychic mice from Algol really like to feel like hoopy froods, and most of the time they are. Don't constantly undermine that by hiding their towels.

* Very few of the known universe's organisms are antimony-based. Most of them are testy. Don't bring either of these facts up with strangers. Trust me.

* Do not feed the Mogwai after midnight, particularly the one called Stuart. He has clearly been getting into the pies, if you know what I mean.

* Learn to knit. When age takes its toll and you are no longer such a furry small furry thing from Alpha Centauri a smart homemade jumper is an attractive way to keep warm on those chilly Alpha Centauri mornings.

* Avoid Vogon poetry. In fact, avoid Vogons full stop.

Apologies to Douglas Adams and no one else.