My San Francisco To-Do List

With occasional forays into the East Bay and maybe Marin.

• Find a damn job.


• Learn which streets carry minimal danger of stepping on hypodermic syringes. Use those.


• Locate and provoke Daniel Handler into a fist-fight. Win (very important!).


• Find time to exercise in a uniform with two white stripes on the beach at night.


• Bring a dog to Jack London Square. Comment loudly on irony when asked to leave.


• Expand range of casual daily-life rockstar interactions to include more than the guy from Rogue Wave who works at the grocery store.


• Consider a membership at the video store owned by drummer from Jawbreaker.


• Write short story: "I Whupped Lemony Snicket" in style of same. Submit to McSweeney's.


• Cultivate strange need to shove people aside rather than alter your route to exploit the massive gap between them and nearest obstacle, evidently required of all true San Franciscans.